


Only Cats on the Moon

by Gideon32



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Cat, Comedy, Gen, Good sweet boys, Taz spoilers, mild cartoon violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 04:12:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11073828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gideon32/pseuds/Gideon32
Summary: Angus McDonald just wants to buy a wedding present.  A certain cat causes problems.





	Only Cats on the Moon

“Fantasy Costco, where all yoooooour dreaaaaaams come truuuuuue-” 

The overbearing jingle plays as Angus steps into the moon base’s only store. 

“Well hello young traveller!” Angus hears the familiar voice, what can only be described as a flamboyant drawl. “It looks like you’re here to peruse my wide and varied collections of goods and products. Are you prepared to participate in a battle of fiduciary wills with none other than Garfield the Deals Warlock?”

Angus looked stunned. He brought what he needed to the moon base from home, so he hadn’t really had to shop here before. This… Cashier? Shopkeep?

“I’m a deals warlock. That’s my official title.”

Angus blinks.

“You adorable nugget, don’t you know I can read all of your thoughts? As long as they relate to deaaaaaaaaals.”

Why the hell didn’t Carey and Killian register at bath and body works?

“Uh, hello purr, I mean, sir,” Angus sputters. “I’m looking for a wedding gift that might be appropriate for, uh, do you know Carey and Killian? They probably shop here.”

“Oh! Tell them congratulations for me. I have just the thing.” Garfield recedes into the store, his paws making a nearly silent pitter patter against the tile. He returns, carrying what looks to be some sort of hefty red handgun. 

“You know, I’ve never been to a wedding, but I’m not sure that a gun is an appropriate gift for that sort of thing-”

“Well this isn’t just any gun. This pistol shoots hot and spicy sausages!”

Angus cautiously looks at the weapon from all sides. The cartridge does seem to be longer and thicker than you would expect from the average pistol. He guesses you could fit a couple of wieners in there, although he has no idea why you would. 

“You know, I actually could go for some lunch right now, mister.” Angus opens his mouth.

“My pleasure” Garfield says, aiming his weapon in the vague direction of Angus’s head. He squeezes the trigger, and a vase sitting on a shelf behind Angus’s skull shatters into a hundred pieces. “Whoopsy. Looks like my shot went a little wide.” he shifts his aim.

“No! Sir, you really don’t have to do that. I thought you said that thing fired tasty snacks, not bullets.”

“I never said it shot them slow. I guess that does kill mortals. Good observation. Have you ever considered an internship in the mercantile arts?” 

“Oh, uh, thank you. I’m doing alright for myself with my job of world’s greatest detective. It keeps me busy.”

Before he’s even finished his sentence, Garfield is rummaging through the endless shelves of his store. A plate flies over a shelf and shatters in front of Angus’s feet, followed by a couple of bouncy balls that go springing off into the distance. 

Garfield shouts. “I have just the thing!” 

He immediately emerges carrying a little yellow plastic disc, about the size of a quarter, with a couple of prongs sticking around the edge.

Angus looks on in wonder. “What does it do, Mr. Warlock sir?”

“Please, call me Garfield. Mr. Warlock was my mother’s name.”

“Sorry, Mr. Garfield.”

“Prepare to have your little adventurer skull blown off.”

Angus ducks and covers his head, before realizing the cat was speaking metaphorically. Garfield flicks one of the nubs.

The thing spins.

Wow, it sure does spin.

Yup. Still spinning.

“Isn’t it unbelievable?” Garfield has a look of abject wonder on his face.

“It’s. Pretty cool.” Angus’s expression doesn’t match.

“Not doing it for you, huh? Well, check this out.” Garfield stops the spinner, and flicks it in the other direction. It spins counterclockwise now. “That’s the power of deals, my son. Ancient commercial magyks summoning delectable products from the ether.”

“You know, Mr. Garfield-”

“Call me Mr. Deals Warlock. Mr. garfield was my grandson’s name.”

“Ok, uh, Mr. Deals Warlock sir. That’s really cool and all but I’m not sure it’s Carey and Killian’s type of thing.”

“You really are a tough customer, huh. Well, we’re going to have to break out the big guns.” Garfield disappears in again, in the blink of an eye. After some more rummaging (This time shattering a half dozen exotic vases and shredding some kind of ficus,) he returns with… a bomb. It has a pink smiley face painted on the front, and a good old fashioned fuse poking out of the top. “Check this thing out.” 

With a snap of his fingers, the fuse lights on fire. Huh. Turns out he really is a warlock.

Angus sprints out of the fantasy costco with a hastily shouted “Thank you anyway, sir.”

He decides he’s just going to write a nice card.


End file.
